I’d like to say more on choice regarding my inner process of lining up a three-centered experience.
A Choice Presented
Several weeks ago, an old and dear friend expressed the desire for me to be with her in the hospital following an operation. Partly to defray the burden on her husband, but also because she felt my presence would help her.
Naturally, I was honored by her request. My head immediately went to logistics—it sounded like the operation would happen while I was still in town on a visit. Saying “yes” at that moment was easy. Of course I would want to be there for her.
Weighing the Situation
But things don’t always go as planned. The operation was scheduled later in the month. I would have to fly back down. Plus, I’d be going overseas a week later and needed to prepare for that. I wasn’t sure saying yes would be the right choice. Was I trying to do too much? This was getting stressful, and my emotions were confused.
My husband and I visited my friend before coming back home, a week before her operation. We sat with her and her husband for a pleasant afternoon. We’re old friends and she was open about her concerns. Before we left, I offered to come if she still wanted me to. It came from a real place, and she responded in kind. Yes, she really did.
I went home and made plane reservations. My husband said he thought I was doing the right thing. This helped put my mind at rest in terms of how he felt. But my feelings had their own anxieties building up: concern about exposure to COVID from flying before the European trip; having enough time to organize for the trip; over-taxing myself.
When Push Comes to Shove
Yup, I was stressing. I’d pushed myself to go jogging in a cold mist and began to feel ill. I certainly did not want to expose my friend to illness. Part of me knew this sounded like an excuse not to go. Part of me had connected with her wish for me to be there and it felt important. This was not “my” will but “thy” will.
If that was true, then it would all work out. All I needed to do was say “yes” with all of myself. The practicalities were taken care of. My wish was connected to hers. But my body was manifesting doubt by feeling sick.
It occurred to me to visualize and sense my body entering the hospital and feeling well. As I did this, the reality of that moment joined my physical self with my wish and my mind. I somehow knew in that instant that the choice now included all of me.
By the time I walked off the plane the next day, all my symptoms of illness were gone. My friend’s operation was a success, and I was in the right inner space to be of help. She is back home now and so am I, packing for the next adventure.