You know, where I am keeps coming back to haunt me. After my recent foray into what felt like unknown territory, frightening in it’s very unknown-ness, I find myself back here again. Back here with myself. The very self that shimmered for a moment thinking it had transformed.
But maybe this wasn’t the faná I thought it was.
Instead, I think that something in myself shifted to a new center of gravity. At least that is the experience. What I don’t know, is whether this is a permanent shift or something to be developed. As time unfolds, it appears that I must work at coming back to this new center of gravity, if that’s what it truly is. I can’t take it for granted.
I find I need to remember the three-centered sense of it to come back there. The sensation, the awareness, and the connection with feeling center. With relaxing into that new place in myself from which to interact. To remember to go there while interacting.
What I mean by “back here again” is that my ego, my “self” didn’t go away. It’s still alive and kicking. I’m not sure anything in me “died” or was reborn, as implied by experiencing a faná.
“Thank God,” the rest of me is saying. But that’s not the point. Nor is it’s opposite. Rather than being disappointed that something more, something bigger, didn’t happen to me, I find I need to come back to where I am. Right here. Right now. This is where my work is.
Besides, I know from experience that real change is incremental. Almost imperceptible. Because meaningful change happens in spite of myself, not because of me. Maybe I can’t change myself, but I can work. I know that much. So, I come back to where I am and I work from here.
If I keep at it, maybe where you are will become where I am too.