I’ve been thinking about what my aim is and it’s left me full of questions and doubts. Have I been fooling myself all these years with an aim that belonged to Gurdjieff, but not necessarily to me? Do I even have an aim?
Carrying the question makes me wonder if I’m afraid to look at my own aim for fear it won’t stack-up. That it will seem too self-centered or not grand enough to admit to in public. I know this is inner-considering and I see it. But can I overcome that even in the privacy of my own heart?
It occurred to me that an aim, like Bennett’s teaching on decision, is found—not made-up. It isn’t a worthy-sounding formulation that I then aspire to. It must be organic, something that arises in me to strive for because it’s already connected to who I am. Perhaps what makes it attainable comes from what I am.
So, when I bemoan the fact that I’m still me, that I repeat the same patterns and mistakes, maybe it’s time to look at this differently.
LOOKING AT AIM
How do I look at aim differently?
First, I have a good catalogue of evidence about myself. Second, I recognize my patterns; I’m familiar with the fall-out from my faults. Third, I also know I have trouble seeing these characteristics in action. But that is a loop I too often fall into and all it gives me is remorse for how I am. What I need is to reinforce how I can become.
Now that sounds like a good aim—to use the knowledge of myself to recognize positive manifestations and to focus more efforts on developing those.
When I think back to early influences I remember Mrs. Roland, my 5th grade English teacher, who encouraged me to write. I also remember a woman from my church who struck me as “real” and launched my quest for “real people.” She had the ability to talk to me as if I was real, too. As a teenager that meant a lot.
My secret life-long aim has been to be a writer. And now I am, having published a book and having a blog. My other driving factor was to recognize and be with Real People. I realized that aim when I found the Work, years ago.
How do I move forward with my aim, so I don’t fall into old patterns? There needs to be expansion. More depth to my seeing what is real in people. More work with my writing. An aim that grows with me.