This is how I work:
For instance, I wish to serve. It’s a growing hunger in me. At the same time, I know that I am self-absorbed. Bennett once told me, “If you aren’t careful, you’re going to grow up to be a selfish old woman.” I’ve been terrified of that eventuality ever since.
But I do see how self-centered I am. I want to do things for my own benefit. So I put this knowledge about myself to work, rather than wasting time in feeling bad about it. I harness my selfishness to fuel my Work, to develop a Wish.
Practicing Work
To do this, I try to practice ways to serve as they arise. Picking up a grandchild from school, helping a newly bereaved friend, working to distribute food to those in need. Even giving money out the car window to someone.
Yet I recognize these actions are coming from a fear of ending up selfish rather than because I am drawn to service. At the same time, I know I am working on myself by performing these acts of kindness. Because it isn’t how I would choose to spend my time.
These days, as I continue to make the work my own, I give more value to recognizing what works for me. If my wish to serve satisfies a want, then so be it. It’s taking steps into action that count. And if I want it enough, I will act. I want not to be selfish.
Understanding How I Work
Once I begin recognizing what motivates me and how I work, I have a path to follow. This leads to a deeper level of work. From a place of my own understanding.
My wish to serve, to not end up a selfish old woman, is slowly becoming more organic, more natural. Something I want to do for its own sake.
As Bennett also told me, “A true egoist makes the best altruist, because that brings him the greatest pleasure.”
So I build a bridge between how I am and how I wish to be, by how I work.