Self-observation is a phrase people in Gurdjieff’s Fourth Way use, meaning to observe how one really is. (Or isn’t, as the case may be.) I’d like to tell the story of a recent moment of self-observation.
To set my story up, I need to go back to last summer, when the notion of “listening” arose in me. After weeks of carrying the awareness and practice of listening, I found myself listening for what was being “asked.” This felt like a non-verbal, non-thinking, relationship between me and something like the Universe. Could I be quiet enough within to “hear” what was being “asked?” I did not want to project any expectations or qualifications onto what that might be.
What Led to my Observation
As things transpired, we had a silent workday at Claymont this past Saturday. Claymont is the school and community that J.G. Bennett, a student of Gurdjieff’s, founded in 1974. To this day, it remains a place for inner work. The Theme I gave out for this particular work event was “Listen for What is Being Asked.”
The day and the silence were rich, beginning with a silent breakfast after morning exercise. Twenty minutes before the start of practical work outside, an unexpected shower magically dissipated into a fresh, sunny, fall afternoon. Our stops every 15 minutes unhinged time and lengthened the day. Sharing our observations in the evening connected us more deeply with each other. We intentionally ended the day and silence with a resounding communal clap.
Sunday, I went to the grocery store to get a couple of things. As I was getting into my car, I noticed a woman standing at the curb of the parking lot with a sign. Something about her posture caught my attention. Still in a sensitive place from the workday, I took a $20 bill out of my wallet and walked over to her. I learned she had five children, was in danger of losing her apartment and was from Hungary. I left for home wondering what else I could do, my heart hurting for her situation.
Observing How I Am
My heart doesn’t usually hurt for people. In fact I tend to be suspicious of those on street corners with signs. However, I have “worked on myself” by getting in the habit of putting a ten or twenty dollar-bill in my wallet to intentionally give to folks in these situations. But this was different. I felt and connected with this woman. What I saw about myself was that I was operating from a more sensitive place than I usually inhabit where I might hear and respond to what is being asked. A “higher world” with fewer “laws,” in Gurdjieff’s language. Ultimately, I can’t help but wonder if I’m being asked to spend more time in that sensitive world. I am not sure I can bear the suffering that world opens me to. Yet I saw something about myself and it showed me a direction for my work.
Self observation (impartial) is wonderful. It’s not, for me, about like or dislike, but just seeing how I am as a machine and how I am in the rare moments I am less of one. I left the silent work day with so much I cannot formulate it in words. Inspirational is one word I would use. It wasn’t just about “me” that day but how could I contribute to the group. It was magic.
HI Sam, thank you for sharing this. Maybe part of what you were feeling was the energy from others who were supporting us with their own efforts even though they were not able to participate physically at Claymont. There is a growing web of energy out there.