The reality of trying to line myself up on the fly to remember a specific inner task is this: It didn’t work but it gave an insight.
Last week I wrote a high falutin’ blog piece about Feeling I; Sensing Am. Contemplating this post during my morning’s jog, I remembered the task I’d recently suggested, to sense one’s hand when touching a doorknob. With my latest understanding of infusing myself with a more substantial sense of “I,” I decided to set myself the same task as I jogged along. I would contact all the parts of myself, line them up, and remember to sense my hand while opening the door when I got home. For the rest of the jog, I sensed my right hand, coming back to it again and again, and envisioned entering the door as my sensing hand turned the knob.
As I walked up to the house, I remembered that a skunk had sprayed below my bedroom window that morning. Worried that it might be looking for a place to nest I investigated the deck area at the back of the house. Didn’t look like it, what a relief! We’ve had skunk issues in the past. Went in the house, showered, dressed, and realized I’d forgotten the task! A short time after that, walking into my study to join a Gurdjieff group meeting on zoom, my hand suddenly reminded me to sense as I turned the knob to enter.
Insight
What I saw in that moment was ego, not my “Real I” reminding me of the task. I was joining a meeting as the senior member of a work group. I was walking into a room where I was “someone” on zoom. It was the part of me fed by self-interest remembering to sense, not the indivisible “I” that is the Master. That “I” is unidentified with rewards and personality. My insight was that something central in me, besides personality, must want to remember. Regardless of the circumstances.
The Reality of Trying
The Work is in the trying. What I’m looking for is this indivisible “I.” That is becoming clear to me. I’m experimenting, I’m curious, how does this internal alignment happen? How is it that I feel something in me coalescing, yet I cannot remember the simple task I set myself? How do I find a wanting to remember that is shared by all of myself? Yet, there is no failure unless it is in not trying to remember; to work on myself. Even as I remembered, it showed me something about myself I’d never seen before. It opened a new question—if self-interest wants to remember, how do I get the rest of myself to want to remember?
The work is in the blending of efforting and letting go. It’s as simple as turning to the light. Sometimes we get bogged down in too many questions. As in your last paragraph, we are the way we are because that’s the way we’ve been. The world is as it is because of what has gone before us and how we’ve picked up the pieces and “tried” to make sense of it all. You can see the results are mixed in that regard as well. I think those of us who have come into 4th Way and its treasury of gifts and insights also must admit we may overwork ourselves. We leap to judgments about others and ourselves with lightning quickness and rest in the surety that our 4th Way Perch grants us some level of knowing how things really are. There is a group I know that struggles with this. It is not uncommon among intentional communities or spiritual groups. How do we grow or grow up…? One breath at a time.
I like that- “how do we grow up? One breath at a time.”
Extremely helpful. Light showing difference between self-interest and indivisible I.
This is incredibly helpful. It helps me move beyond judgement and even beyond sorrow at my sleep, and toward hope. To look within for the wanting, the part of me that wants to remain awake. That is a gift. Thank you!
Yesterday was a busy day. Church, visit with our son, dinner out. I was not very present and only had a few vague realizations I had not worked on myself. In those times I made effort but never really connected and when I did it was only a matter of seconds. I was reminded of something written, attributed to Ospensky, that no conscious effort is ever wasted. There seems to be something that grows just by making a sincere effort. Later last night I was sensing my toes with very little effort and for several minutes. I felt that was a result of the small efforts I made during the day.