There’s a Knot in Me

There’s a knot in me. More and more, I’m becoming aware of it. I’ve been up against this before when I was introduced to my own Chief Feature. That did not taste good, yet there were moments when I experienced something delicious in the ingredients.

This is similar, but different. This knot is also deep down, and pervasive in a way that prevents me from perceiving it. It’s tied up with chief Feature and has to do with triggers that I respond to emotionally. Because of this, I hold emotions at arm’s length and don’t see the knot itself.

Working at the Knot

To untangle a knot in my gold necklace, I always put on my glasses, place the snarl under good light and use a couple of needles to gently tease it apart. Why not try this on my inner knot?

First, I need to want to see the knot, rather than push it aside for a later date. So, I’m trying to be more aware of recognizing and naming feelings when they arise. Something a younger generation has grown up doing through “emotional intelligence” training. In my case, I must remember to practice this since it doesn’t come naturally.

Second, when emotions arise, I can use techniques I have learned from my Gurdjieff work, such as sensation and presence, to locate where the emotion resides in my body. This practice alone can help put a wedge between me and my reactions. At the least, it might keep my mouth shut so I don’t say something automatic. Thus, allowing space for an impression that can later be contemplated.

Third, a mixture of curiosity about why I wish to untangle this part of myself, keeps me wanting to work at it. Increasingly, I understand why—so that I can be with another person. It’s the “beingness” that brings something to the table, that will become the untangled necklace to be worn. To be shared with others.

Using New Tools

Part of working at the knot has to do with recognizing I need tools that others have honed. In my case, having to do with opening the feeling center to take-in another person. Not just in my quiet moments, but in my active in-person moments.

Awareness of someone’s feelings, the ability to hold space for another without interposing oneself, compassion for self. These are emotional skills that have been developed by younger generations. There is something here for me to learn.

This is serious work. It requires patience and persistence. It requires wanting to do it without angst or expectation. Working from different angles, not knowing what will work, I know I need to look at the knot of myself, center it under the light, and slowly tease it out.