When I have doubts about not working hard enough, smart enough, disciplined enough or empathically enough, I circle back to one thing, myself. I come back to wondering if this is a sign that I’m self-centered and selfish. Compared to others, my life is easy. It can make me feel guilty when I find myself in periods of happiness and equilibrium. So many have it so hard all around me.
Then again, even if I’m not living the Shivapuri Baba’s discipline of Right Life, he does mention that by feeling gratitude for the pleasures of life, we honor God. For instance, last night I sat on our deck before dinner with a glass of wine. I love listening to the fountain, watching the sun go down and the birds go to bed. We have a lovely spot and large yard to cast our gaze upon. How lucky I am!
I am taking this on as a task— to consciously acknowledge the gratitude I feel for my life as it is.
Troubling Questions
The problem comes when I have doubts, the “should” and “should nots.” I should do more for others, volunteer more, donate more money to worthy causes. I should not indulge in sweets, drink alcohol, eat meat, focus on myself, have such an easy life.
Of course, there’s the energetics too. I’m convinced that the eighteen years of trials and tribulations I went through owning a business has earned me eighteen years of smooth sailing. But then I have doubts about thinking that way. What happens after the eighteen years of smooth sailing?
Should I have kept that energetic reward in the “bank?” Perhaps taken on a task as onerous to me as was owning a small-town business? Part of me thinks I’m beating myself up unnecessarily, the other part thinks I’m finding excuses to avoid real work. How much should I measure myself against the Shivapuri Baba? What of his wisdom can I gainfully employ and fold into my own practice.
The Removal of Doubts
One of the Shivapuri Baba’s missions was to “remove” doubts. He somehow helped people take a step they might not have otherwise. It always boiled down to him conveying that seeking God is simple, just do it.
For me, when I get into a spiral of self-doubt and acrimony, resolution also points to something simple. I come back to myself. Through sensation and breath, I reconnect with being present.
Yes, I do have a good life. For this I can feel lucky and grateful. However, by being present to the reality of my now I contact what is real in myself. Only from this real place in myself, can I find my path forward when I have doubts.
Thank you, Roberta Jo. This strikes a chord.
Good to hear, and I like “Roberta Jo”!