How do I pay the debt of my existence? Gurdjieff clearly puts the need to do this in front of us in All and Everything. But what does it mean and how am I to do it and how will I know if I’ve done it? I’ve wondered about this for years, thinking it must be about an extraordinary act of courage, or sacrifice, or of selflessness. But we’re talking about me, here.
Grandsons
My grandson, Isaac, spent the night Sunday. He’s fourteen but was willing to get up at 6:30 am anyway and sit outside with me in the dark to watch the sun rise. It was cold, even with a fire-bowl going.
We watched the silent night give way to ribbons of color. Purple and pink clouds spread out above charcoal mountain peaks in a black-blue sky. The first bird offered its song, then others began to call as the sky lightened.
A mug of hot cocoa later, a tiny orange-tinged glow appeared in a cleft between mountains. We watched it grow and spill a beam of gold towards us. In the connection of our witnessing, it occurred to me to relay what Beelzebub had told his grandson.
Three Brained Beings
I conveyed the story of an extra-terrestrial being telling tales and answering the questions of his grandson, Hussain, as they flew in their spaceship. I told him Hussain was especially fond of hearing about the strange three-brained beings who inhabited the Earth.
Explaining three brained beings, I suggested to Isaac that like other athletes, he trusts his body during soccer competitions to know how to move, that it has its own brain. That our feelings and thoughts have their own separate brains too.
In an essay that Isaac once wrote while contemplating a vast night sky in the Midwest, he expressed deep thoughts about life. So I told him about Hussain realizing that all the things in life he took for granted had not always existed. That Hussain suddenly felt an appreciation for those who had come before and made his life easier. And he wondered what obligation he was under for this and how it could be repaid.
Paying Our Debt
With these thoughts we watched the sun rise together.
Later, I read to Isaac what Gurdjieff had written in chapter 7 of All and Everything about watching the sun rise and vowing to pay the debt of one’s existence. What struck me in the passage, was that Beelzebub makes the point that at his grandson’s young age, it’s setting the intention with all three brains that’s important. He goes on to tell Hussain not to worry now about how it’s to be done.
Like Hussain, I hear Beelzebub talking to me. I see that my way towards paying my debt is in the wanting to, with all of myself. Maybe it doesn’t have to be one heroic act, but a collection of small efforts. Perhaps I can trust my three brains to help me know how to pay the debt of my existence.
What a touching recap. These simple moments you two experience “exclusively” together bring depth & richness to your relationship and thus to life in general. They echo. Thank you for these gifts of time, intention, & “just being”.
Thank you for entrusting your son to me. He is a precious entity.
Absolutely beautiful. How wonderful to be able to share such a time with Isaac. You inspire me to try this with Maxwell, who loves space ships and the natural world.
HI Georgia, thank you. I’m sure you will find meaningful moments to share with Maxwell, however they present themselves.