How to Approach Paying the Debt

How do I even approach paying the debt of my existence as Gurdjieff exhorts us to do? I’ve never been clear on how to see my way there. Recently, I sense that space between being aware of myself and losing awareness is the chasm to work within. It doesn’t matter how far apart or close together those two moments are. That moment is the cleft between the mountains where the sun rises, spilling its fire on me. That’s the moment to be present in all three centers. Like when I made the effort to be physically awake at sunrise. My feeling center engaged at the spectacle and I remembered to take the intention to wish to pay my debt. That’s the moment Gurdjieff suggests I make a contact between my consciousness and the various unconscious parts of myself.

Wanting to Pay

In the space of a sunrise like this, I need to convey to the whole of myself the importance of being a good servant. Of wanting to pay the debt of my existence. I don’t know what this means or how it is to be done, but that does not matter right now. What matters is that all of me understands and is on board.

This is how Gurdjieff put it, through the character of Beelzebub speaking to his young grandson:

“Only do not forget one thing, namely, at your age it is indispensably necessary that every day, at sunrise, while watching the reflection of its splendor, you bring about a contact between your consciousness and the various unconscious parts of your general presence. Try to make this state last and to convince the unconscious parts—not as if they were conscious—that if they hinder your general functioning, they, in the period of your responsible age, not only cannot fulfill the good that befits them, but your general presence of which they are part, will not be able to be a good servant of our COMMON ENDLESS CREATOR and by that will not even be worthy to pay for your arising and existence.”

Where the Payment Is

Suddenly, I see what riches those moments between remembering contain, like when the sun appears. I want to be there more often to mine those cracks in time. Which gives me a reason to work at increasing my general presence. Rather than feeling the futility of trying to remember myself only to be followed by forgetting, why not focus on the opportunity between tries? It’s the between where I want to go now. I have a sense that this is where the payment for my arising is to be found.