Me, a name I call Myself.
What is the relationship between me, myself and I? Who am I, anyway? When I am aware of “myself” I hold an image which I tend to feel good about. I like my body overall, and I see that “myself” embodies ways of moving, habits, gestures and attitudes that I take for granted. Except when “myself” comes up against an opposing force. Opposition can take the form of a difference of opinion, a physical impediment, or feeling attacked. Then I stop, become uncomfortable, even unbalanced. I’m not so sure of myself. I may get mad, or stew, or lash out. And here I’ve been “working on myself” all these years. What’s up with that? Has nothing changed?
A sense of “I”
Over the years, and only on occasion, I’ve had an awareness, a sense of another part of me. It’s always perceived as slightly above my head, a bit off to one side. The first time it happened was after my course at Sherborne and it came quite unbidden. My sister and I were driving down an empty road in Scotland on our way to Edinburgh. Whatever I was perceiving seemed tender and vulnerable and I remember wanting this “thing” to go back into hiding. I was sure that if it didn’t, my personality would grab it and eat it for itself. If this was the birth of a real “I” I did not want to endanger its growth, so I intentionally forgot about it. For a more detailed description of this moment, please download the following excerpt from my unpublished memoir: on our way to Edinburgh
This Me Is Not I
One of the inner exercises at Sherborne was called This is Not I. It consisted in being aware of different parts of oneself and then thinking, “this is not I.” I never got anywhere with the exercise and stopped trying. Years later, looking over old notes, the This is Not I exercise caught my attention and I decided to try it again. This time, my experience was different. I would sense a limb, then look at it. As I looked at my arm, for instance, there seemed to be a separation in me. There was an awareness of the physical arm as part of “me.” The self that I call Roberta. But I also became aware of something else. Something separate from my arm which was not the same as the “me” I call Roberta. By recognizing this other thing as an “I”, separate from “me”, It allowed room for “me” to be me, flaws and all.
The Difference Between Me and I
The Roberta that is a packaged deal containing all the positive and negative elements, is “me”. That self provides me with endless opportunities: physical complaints, negative attitudes, emotional reactions—all gist for practicing my Work. What has shifted, is the striving to do that work in order to become an unblemished “me”. What I’ve come to see, is that the Work of struggling with “me” provides the very ingredients that grow my “I” which watches Roberta with curiosity.
Thank you, Roberta. This is helpful. I appreciate your clarity and your humility.
Humility is a dangerous word. And thinking I can talk about “real I” is dangerous too. (Just sayin’) Because from whom or what in me is speaking?