My Relationship with Real I

What is my relationship with Real I? Yes, it is “my” relationship with what, in the Gurdjieff work, we call real I. “My” in the sense that there’s this me part of myself and then there’s this other thing.

Having Real I

For years, having a real I seemed like a pipe dream. Surely it was unobtainable for the likes of me. All I could do was slog along, working at the little things, like observing personality, recognizing negative emotions, trying to be present. You know, “work on myself”.

So what’s up with this real I bit? Why bother since it seemed inaccessible? I knew I was supposed to strive for it, but really, I was in the work because it called to me. It made life meaningful in so many other ways. The idea of my having a relationship with real I hardly came into the picture.

Then one day, after an argument, (family are such great fuel for work on oneself) I was in my usual post-argument state. Which is to say, I felt hurt, misunderstood, mad at feeling these things, and very identified.

Soon after, I found myself working on an exercise that involved sensing a limb, looking at it, and saying to myself, “this is me, this is not I”. Suddenly there was a separation from the “me” that was hurt and justifying, and something floating just outside myself.

It was such a relief! The hurt emotions evaporated and I saw that yes, this me person can say the wrong thing, can disappoint someone, but that is not I. This other “thing” (I dared not call it I) was separate from me and making itself known. This was the result of my on-going efforts. And whatever it was, was strong enough to be forming a presence.

Relationship

Since then, I have been introduced to Gurdjieff exercises that have reinforced the sense that yes, there is this “me” and yes, there is an “I”.

What has been beautiful is the experience that these two parts have a relationship with each other. It is not a competition. Both parts need each other. In fact both parts feed each other.

I had always thought that my work was to get rid of as much “me” as possible and replace it with an improved version, compliments of the Work. Au contraire, mon ami.

Now I know what my relationship with real I is. My job is to keep working with the ideas, exercises, and practices to grow the I, not to get rid of me. The me in this equation is the hands and feet of the I. The only way the I can manifest in this material world.

I need the I and the I needs me. That is my relationship with Real I.