I Am a Cross

I am a cross I realized this morning in New Hampshire. Here, at the end of the dock. In this bright, still, early morning. The water is still, I can see down to the sandy bottom, a little fish swims there. I go inwards, relaxing in layers—first my skin, then muscles, tendons, bones. Deep into the very marrow. That rich, spongy, blood-filled, living marrow of my body. All of it porous, permitting me to enter, to sink into my physical center. Then the outward journey— awareness of my bone marrow through sensation spreading outwards into the bones, then into the muscles. Sensing the viscera attaching my muscles to skin, sensing the under layer of skin, spreading through the middle cells to outer skin. My entire body alive with sensation, awake yet relaxed. This physical self.

I begin my inner exercise. Directing sensation, adding intentional breathing, ingesting finer elements from air, blending. My head work is to keep my attention focused, not to get caught in external impressions. To be aware of lapping waves and bobbing boats without being pulled into them. I go deeper—focusing on my feeling center, allowing it to awaken in me.

Thoughts float by, internal images. But I am inside myself now.

The Intersection

I begin to see that there is a pull in two directions. One is vertical, Heaven connected to Earth. And I sense that in me. I see myself standing upright as a connecting rod. I have fulfilled a calling. Channeled the ineffable.

Then I feel emotion awaken and am filled with grief. The grief of suffering that cannot be avoided. It is real and close to home. I see this is what it means to be alive, to be human. I visualize my arms held out sideways, can sense the horizontal weight of my Being, here on Earth.

Our Human Cross

Suddenly I am a cross. I am hanging here, wanting to enjoy the excitement of having published my memoir yet carrying the escalating misery of what it means for my children to be dealing with cancer. Still, something in me is removed, observing this conflict within. Where is the Work?

I let go and hold the positive and the negative within me. The Holy Affirming and the Holy Denying. Then something shifts, a warmth; soothing but strong. My heart. The place where my vertical ineffable and my horizontal grief intersect. Then the two forces blend, and there is peace. The Holy Reconciling.

I sense myself in my right arm, my granddaughter in my right leg, my grandson in my left leg, my son in my left arm. And my daughter-in-law in the center, in my heart. My body becomes a wheel, and we encircle her, holding her with our love.

This is the intersection between Heaven and Earth, between Joy and Grief. Each of us a Cross, created by Holy Affirming and Denying energies, each of us a channel for Holy Reconciling.